Forgiveness of Others 3
Chapters 9 through 11
Chapter 9 - Step 9. Acceptance of Past History
FORGIVER, say or write:
Do you want the benefits to you which will come from completing the forgiveness process, or do you really want to hold on to the burdens of un-forgiveness? Do you want to be "right" or do you want to be healthy? Do you want to be an unconditionally loving person, or do you want to stay resentful, with all the damage that will do to your system?
Are you stuck still with some misunderstanding of the true nature of the forgiveness process? Revisit the section on truths and Untruths at Demythologizing forgiveness - truths and untruths
If you have a serious problem with a subpersonality called "The Saboteur" then this may need to be worked with. See "The commonest obstacles to the forgiveness processes" for further ideas as to how to do this. In the end, however, complete healing of such an obstructive subpersonality will usually need you to forgive the person who could not or did not meet your needs at the time you created it.
Are you ready for the next step?
The Purpose of this step is to remove the blocks to love. This is an act of conscious loving will, canceling all your demands and expectations, and handing back responsibility.
Edith Stauffer has called this step "The Canceling Machine".
** This statement is made to commit yourself to TOTAL cancellation of all conditions that have blocked love/goodwill streams through you.
I have found that if sufficient care and thought has been given to making the Preference statements in Steps Seven and Eight, then can be sufficient to use the more global statement given here.
*** One of Edith Stauffer's great insights was that Unconditional Love is love which gives responsibility to the one loved. A parent who trains, coaches and then and increasingly gives responsibility to their children will have children who in later life feel they were truly loved. A parent who never lets their children take responsibility will have children who in later life almost feel as if they were hated and controlled. can you imagine the feelings which cold underlie this statement: "My Mummy and Daddy loved me so much that they tied up my shoe laces for me, parted my hair on the side they chose for me so lovingly, chose all my friends, chose the subjects I should study, and drove me to university every day until I got the PhD they wanted me to get"? This step is ensuring that you re-program you mind to no longer react or respond (take response-ability) in your system for what the other person did. You are actually setting both parties free.
Are you ready for the
Restoring the flow of love and self-healing. Here are ideas for an energy meditation or exercise which your guide will read to you (or you can record for yourself) and adapt to your circumstances if needed.
Because this process was originally devised to be used in a guide-client situation, it is written out as if there is a guide to help you go through the process. Since the purpose of this website experiment is to find out if people living in places where there are no trained guides available can learn to use this process without one, it will be good for you to know that many people have been able to guide themselves using the following technique (this applies to both long and short versions of the forgiveness process).
They made a tape-recording of the GUIDE'S words which are in blue and then played it back to themselves. They used the "pause" button any time they needed to. It can work quite well.
Thus, if you have no guide, and feel that you cannot do this from the transcript alone, then record any steps you need to in your own voice for yourself by reading it into a tape recorder. Then use the audiotape to guide yourself. It is good for it to be in your own voice.
GUIDE, SPEAK WHAT FOLLOWS (it is written for you in quotes in heavy type) TO THE FORGIVER, ADAPTING IT AS NECESSARY:
"Now close your eyes, relax, and lift your consciousness above the mental level (where you have been doing so much good work) to that of the Higher Self, Soul, or whatever term is most meaningful to you. Recognize its love for you. Really be open to this part of you that has in fact protected you, nurtured you, and loved you all your life, even through the times of trouble. Pause.
Like a seed can have a tree in it, it has within it the blueprint and capability of the best Self you can become, and of all healing.
Become increasingly open to the qualities of the Higher Self - to inflow of Love-without-conditions, Compassion, Understanding, Healing, Patience, Wisdom, Calm peaceful dignity and poise, the capacity to see the big picture, the interconnectedness of all events and people, the true causes behind situations, and of course, the Power of Forgiveness. Pause.
Allow the healing compassion and love of the Higher Self to flow down into you, surrounding you, enveloping you, protecting you ... and dissolving the conscious and unconscious expectations and demands that contributed to the pain of the blocked love." Pause.
"Invite and allow this love, imagined as light or warmth or however seems right for you, to flow throughout your own body."
GUIDE AND FORGIVER, You have options here, EITHER 1. a short, OR 2. an intermediate, OR 3. a longer version. IT IS LIKELY THAT GUIDES, ESPECIALLY AS THEIR SKILL DEVELOPS, WILL ADAPT WHAT FOLLOWS TO THE NEEDS OF EACH INDIVIDUAL.
1. SHORTER VERSION
Guide: "Invite the love to fill up your physical body, draw it down into you, experiencing it first of all in a general way. Feel it in yourself.
Embody it as fully as you can. Let me know when you are ready, and we will move on to the healing of your emotional nature."
(If this is all you need, go on to Healing the Emotional Nature, further on)
2. INTERMEDIATE VERSION
Guide: "You may find it meaningful to guide it into and through areas of you body wherever you have felt pain, tension, or disease at any time. There is no need to dwell unduly on those areas, however, because you are going to emphasise wholeness and health. Rather, send peace, acknowledgement, gratitude, gentleness and love to these areas and the living tissues there. Guide it there free of all fear, anxiety or forced will. It is nurturing love you seek to send." Pause.
(Note to the guide: Some people find it helpful for the guide to name the specific areas of the body concerned. For example, you could include the glands for the immune system, old scars, operations, and injuries for chronic pain, and the "centres in the brain which control the body rhythms - appetite, mood, sleep. pain control..." and so on, as appropriate. For some skin conditions a cool light may feel better than warmth. Let your intuition guide you once you know the principles of the process. It is almost certain that you will modify this process to suit each person).
Guide: "Are you ready to go on? Indicate by nodding your head. You are in control of the speed with which we do this process." (Guide pauses sensitively, whenever it seems appropriate).
"As that completes itself, let the healing love, (imagined as light or warmth, or however is right for you) overflow into your whole body. From the crown of your head to the tips of your toes and fingers. Pause. From the outside surface right into the core of your body. Pause. Into the bones and marrow, into all the joints, nerves and blood vessels. Pause. Filling you up as you let it in. Remember that the idea is to gradually move your attention away from energising diseased areas as such. Move on flowingly and visualise the image of your body as healthy and whole as possible - and if you choose, the increased service you can do when healed. Pause.
GUIDE: You could go on to Healing the Emotional Nature, p.106 now. If you have time or need to, add the Healing through the Energy Centres which follows.
3. A LONGER VERSION - TAKING LOVE THROUGH EACH OF THE CHAKRAS OR ENERGY CENTRES OF THE BODY'S ETHERIC ENERGY FIELD
(can also follow on from VERSION 2., the intermediate version)
GUIDE: Next, as you focus your attention gently on certain areas of your body's energy field (these are the main energy centres), become aware of some of the different ways that love can be expressed in your life. Imagine those you realize you need to cultivate in action in your daily life. Focus much more upon the qualities of consciousness than upon the physical locations.
(i). Start in the general area outside the base of your spine. (The Base of the Spine Centre. Keywords: Groundedness, Will, Strength, Courage, Intention, and Power to love) and think about what is means in your life for you to "take your stand" fearlessly centred in love. What could this be in your life? Pause.
Imagine how you could move in the world when there is love flowing strongly and joyously through your spine and legs.
Imagine the differences it could make to you on others for you to do that...
The groundedness of it....
IMAGINE yourself living your life with the purpose of expressing strong love.
REALIZE how love can be strong, assertive, able to confront caringly if necessary, and how strong love is needed to ensure fairness and justice to all.
It is STRONG LOVE and GOODWILL which will motivate you to get the needs of yourself or others met appropriately. Pause.
(ii). As that continues to develop, move your awareness up behind your lower spine to the area behind your pelvis. (The Sacral Centre. Keywords: True Loving Creativity, both physical and mental, in Relationships, in the use of Money & Sexual energy)
As love flows gently forwards through your pelvic and lower abdominal area, as well as into your legs, think about how YOUR love can be creative.
YOU ALREADY KNOW how love creates children, grandchildren, all the generations to come, and about how it can bring together, and harmonise, groups, friends and families.
RECOGNISE also how love can create and colour your "thought-children" - all the loving, creative ideas and plans that you could have, ideas that can grow up into wonderful designs and projects, and the ways you use your money. Open yourself to how you could use love energy creatively and skilfully. Pause.
(iii). As that continues to develop, move your awareness up behind your spine to your middle back. (The Solar Plexus Centre. Keywords: Purification of desires, wants, expectations, demands. Development of aspiration and higher kinds of personal love.)
As love flows lightly and gently forwards through your solar plexus area, filling your whole abdomen, become aware of how love matures demands placed upon someone, into the DESIRE for the one loved TO BE HEALED, to grow, to be JOYOUS AND FULFILLLED IN THE WAY THAT IS BEST FOR THEM, (IN ALIGNMENT with the WILL, or blueprint, of their own soul). Conditional, possessive, desire-based personal love is changed into higher personal love.
Feel the release and contentment in your belly that comes when your desire to possess or control others is purified by love into a willingness for them to grow freely - in the way that is best for them, and in their own time.
Notice if any constriction you may have had in your solar plexus area relaxes as the desire to change others is changed by love into a willingness for them to be healed and liberated in their own way. Feel the Peace and Tranquillity of it. RECOGNISE how even jealousy or envy can be turned by love into the joy of being happy for others. Enjoy the relief and delight of freeing others of your demands and expectations... NOTICE how your own inner spiritual strength and power returns to you and increases as you do this.... Pause.
(iv). As that continues to develop, move your awareness up behind your spine to the area between your shoulder blades. (The Heart Centre. Keywords: Unconditional Love, Compassion, Group Love & Consciousness, Inclusiveness, Impersonal Love)
As love flows generously and freely forwards through your chest, heart, and thymus gland, the centre of the immune system, become aware of how love can turn even murderous rage into compassion & EMPATHY; exclusive, personal, or possessive "love" into UNCONDITIONAL, inclusive LOVE; meanness into generosity; pride, arrogance, prejudice into humility & tolerance; and separativeness into cooperation, group love, and service to the human family; a cold, closed heart into openness and warmth.
(v) As that continues to develop, move your awareness now up behind your neck. (The Throat Centre. Keywords: Higher Creativity, Integrity, Wise truthfulness, Right Speech and Silence, Sincerity, Skilful Loving Expression, Beauty)
As love flows harmoniously forwards into your throat and down your arms think about how your love can be creative in a Higher Way, through the use of the voice, arms and hands.
Recognise how love can replace harsh words and criticism with loving words; can bring song, music, poetry, writing, art work of many different kinds into being. Reflect upon how love brings forth the inner beauty, how it gives attention and energy selectively to the good in people and the world, to bring it forth.
CONTEMPLATE ways that love could enable you to reach out to people. How love enables you to truly touch and be touched by someone.
IMAGINE how you can make much more meaningful contact with others when there is love flowing through your hands. Dwell upon how it is to speak, touch or embrace with unconditional love. Pause.
(vi) As that continues to develop, move your awareness up now to your head area. (The Brow, or Ajna Centre, in front of the forehead. Keywords: Intuition, Wisdom, Direction, Integration of all parts of the personality, and its progressive alignment with the soul.)
As love flows wisely and serenely into and through your whole head, brain and nervous system, think about how love changes ordinary thinking and knowledge into wisdom.
Recognise how love can guide you into replacing choices based upon fear (or laziness) with choices based on what serves all people best.
Notice how love can enable you to see the "big picture" in both time and space, to see the true underlying causes for whatever is happening.
Be aware how love enables you to be wisely intuitive and draw upon the qualities that are really needed in different situations. Pause.
(vii) As that continues to develop, lift your awareness up now to the area above your head, (The Crown Centre. Keywords: Alignment with Divine Will, Unity, Wholeness, Synthesis and Synergy), and be aware of your whole body as well.
Be aware of being ONE WITH love itself in action, become aware of love flowing all ..... through ..... you. Pause.
Are you not, like all of us, really a spiritual being who is progressively revealing love? Your mind and heart are working more and more perfectly together. Spend time being aware of the wonderful synthesis and wholeness of your body. The tiniest cells, each organ, each system - they all have their place and part to play in your life and in revealing love through you. Cherish seeing your body functioning as a harmonious whole. Nurture this image by sending the gentle healing love to this whole and healthy body.
If it seems right to you to do so, see yourself joyously doing some productive, valuable service (no matter how simple) with your body very healthy.
If it seems right to you to do this, link up in overflowing love and compassion with any others who may have similar conditions or history to yourself, known or unknown, for their healing also.
Keep the love circulating. Notice any difference this makes to you as you do it.
(The last four sentences are included to keep the healing energy circulating, to decentralise the forgiver in the meditation, to draw energy away from feeding the "problem" and to substitute love and health. The emphasis is on the right relationship of all the parts to the WHOLE and circulation of Love Energy).
Are you ready to continue? Please indicate at each stage when you are ready to go on."
Note to guide: To help to keep the forgiver calm and disidentified from any traumatic feelings associated with past scenes, wherever you find the symbol ........ the guide should use the forgiver's name, in some cases their name used as a child if different.
GUIDE: "Next, let it overflow into the hurt feelings which arose at the time of the first incident, to gentle them, to heal them, to bring them to peace and calm.
You can imagine the first unhappy scene with this other person you are forgiving like a picture in a photograph album.
Let the love reach in to ..............(the child- or person-you-were* e.g. "John" or "Katie" - use the forgiver's name, not the word "you") like a pair of very loving and caring hands, or like a very wise and loving being with very caring and loving hands, and draw ...... aside, away from the picture, away from the scene of the pain, to a safe, beautiful, sacred healing place (guide turns head and speaks slightly towards one side to make this easier for the forgiver to imagine) ......cradling ......, holding ...... in exactly the right way that ......needed then, ......and love flows through those hands, into the hurting places, bringing all the hurt feelings to Peace. A deep and lasting peace. ...... receives now what he/she needed then.
When ...... indicates s/he is ready, see how gently the Higher Self put him/her back into the picture, back into the memory, healed and at peace." (guide turns head back towards the original scene to make this easier for the forgiver to imagine)
Note to GUIDE: The use of the third person pronoun to describe the forgiver in the past from an observing position in the present. This keeps the patterns of the emotional trauma from being replayed through the body of the forgiver in the present. The guide's use of congruent head movement when speaking towards the "places" of healing or the original trauma help the forgiver to do the visualization).
GUIDE: "Repeat this process in the same way for each memory which the Higher Self knows needs to be healed. Let the Higher Self show you in sequence the scenes that it knows need healing, one by one. Some of these may represent several incidents that were similar. Let this process bring deep Peace to replace the hurt feelings that arose at all those different times.....
Let this happen for each of the different occasions you have mentioned earlier in your preference statement.... from the earliest times right up to the present time."
Note to GUIDE: You may have to assist occasionally to keep the forgiver on track, until they are accustomed to the process. To begin with you might need to repeat the instructions for each event and ask when to go on to the next one. Usually the forgiver quite quickly gets the pattern after a few have been done - recalling the scene, removal from it by the Higher Self, love flowing in, peace, return to the memory. Give the forgiver space to experience this process. Communicate with the forgiver as and when you feel the need to. Ask them to let you know if they need assistance. Trust your intuition to know what to do, what to ask or suggest, and you will get better at it as you practice.
GUIDE: "Are you ready to go on? Please indicate when you are."
GUIDE: "Next, let it overflow on into your mind, to break up, dissolve, and heal all the negative thought-patterns and beliefs that came into existence at those times - thoughts of harm to ...... or others, critical thoughts, and all negative beliefs about ......, others, or life which are untrue in the light of love, wisdom and compassionate understanding.
You can symbolize this process by imagining the thought patterns, which arose at the times of the interactions with the person you are forgiving, to be like a jig-saw puzzle on a tray, .... it is just a pattern, one of many possible patterns that could have happened, ...... and the love of the Higher Self somehow tilts the tray, so that the pieces slide off the tray, separate out from each other completely, and fall down onto the ground.
As the light of love and wisdom flows down onto them, it softens their edges, and the surfaces are cleansed, freed of the old toxic beliefs and thoughts by the light of love. So that now they can never go back the way they used to be.
The 'thought space' created now becomes available for you now to create new, wiser, more loving thoughts in their place, - thoughts which will enhance life and serve you better. In this way, the "partial truths", (the negative conclusions and beliefs that you, ......, came to adopt at the time of those experience(s) with the other person), make way for the larger truths and perspectives of the Higher Self.
As each of these is brought up for review by the wisdom of the Higher Self let your voice say what the Higher Self offers, so it can be recorded for you.
To assist this process, such phrases as:
"The deeper truth about ...... is......", or,
"In the future it would be wiser to act out of the belief that....."
"In the future ... .... could learn to act out of the belief that..." can start the flow.
Let wiser, more loving, more understanding beliefs come from your Higher Self to you now. There is no need to use your ordinary mind for this, just receive from your Higher Self."
NOTE FOR GUIDE: You must refer back to the notes made of the forgiver's negative beliefs and conclusions discovered in Step 6. You bring each one up in turn if it seems important to do so, and prompt the forgiver as necessary.
Guide: "........came to believe that she was weak and unworthy of living. What is the Higher Self, or Soul's view on this? What is a wiser belief, one that will be more useful for her to act out of in the future?
Higher Self: "The truth about ...... is ...., In the future she could learn to act out of the belief that....."
It is worthwhile recording what comes from the forgiver's Higher Self so it can be used later, and incorporated into the forgiver's life.
Sometimes, the connection being made with the Higher Self during the process is very deep, and great wisdom may well be received into the personal self in this way - convincing evidence for the existence and psychological reality of the Higher Self.
The forgiver is prompted into upgrading all negative conclusions and beliefs formed in the relationship with the other person.
GUIDE continues: "The "pieces" may now form a new pattern, a beautiful design, a gift from your Higher Self.
Watch to find out how such a new pattern or design emerges. The Higher Self may put all this together in a symbol, color, pattern, shape, or scene for you.
Or, is may simply be a word, a phrase, or a feeling, a subtle energy.
If no symbol emerges, that's OK, just let me know and we will continue.
If there is a symbol, let me know about it if you like and I will record it for you to use later in your meditations.... Let it nurture and feed you now.... You could draw it later, and place it in your home or office to continue to inspire you..., to re-mind you..., to anchor what you are doing here today.... Realize that it may have several layers of meaning which will become apparent to you over time....
Now imagine how it might go into your body, and find its home there, ... the newly healed pattern, to be used in the future for making thoughts which are true, in the light of the wisdom of the Higher Self - more compassionate, more loving, more wise, more appropriate for this stage of your life.
As the symbol merges with you, you can invite it to go into your unconscious mind to continue this process of healing, you are in partnership with your unconscious mind, ... you ask it to anchor this change in your life...."
NOTE TO GUIDE: record the nature of the symbol if there is one, and where it goes in the body. It can be a very useful theme for the forgiver to use in meditation in the next few days or weeks.
GUIDE: "When this is complete, let me know when you are willing to take the next step."
Note: Different kinds of
imagery may be needed instead of the jig-saw puzzle (if the forgiver has no
experience of puzzles!) - eg a tree that sheds its leaves and then puts out new
ones (not suitable for someone who lives in evergreen forests or desert
country!), a snowflake that melts and then forms a new design (for one who lives
in frozen polar countries), etc according to the culture and experience of the
forgiver. Be guided by them if in doubt. They will be very creative and
frequently know exactly what image will work best for them.
Continue to next section: Part II - Forgiveness of Others - Forgiveness 4
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