Forgiveness of Others 4
Chapters 12 through 20
Chapter 12 - Step 12. Healing the Patterns of the Relationship
Purpose: To heal the energy patterns of the relationship, and to receive a new image of the person you are forgiving, by seeing them and their whole life before you, from babyhood to the present and into the future as you transmit love from its Source through you to them.
GUIDE continues: "If you are ready, with your eyes still closed, and continuing to feel the love of the Higher Self flowing into you, filling you up physically, emotionally, and mentally, warming your heart, and flowing through you.
Imagine this love OVERFLOWING from you, as warm gentle light through you from behind your Heart and guided by wisdom from the region of your forehead, out to this person as they were when they have just been born.
He/she is just a baby, naked and defenseless, and you find you can begin by overflowing pure love to him/her as he/she was as a baby.
Now continue to overflow love to them as he/she begins to crawl and then to walk. He/she is growing up in a certain kind of family, with certain kinds of parents, brothers and sisters (if there are any), certain kinds of teachers, friends and perhaps even enemies.
He/she becomes in succession an infant, ....a toddler,...... a child,..... Certain things happen to him/her which cause him/her to become the kind of person who will one day disappoint ......
Maybe you know some of the kinds of things that happened to him/her, maybe you don't. You watch now as he/she grows into a teenager, ......and into an adult......
He/she goes through all the experiences that lead to him/her becoming the person that one day will come into the life of ....... Learning certain ways of being, and not having the opportunity to learn other more functional ways of being.
You send love to them as they do this.
Now continue to overflow pure love to this person through all the experiences you have described in your preference statements, and any others that come to mind now - FREE OF THE FACT THAT THEY DID NOT MEET YOUR EXPECTATIONS. You are completely in charge now.
You may well find that waves of understanding and compassion for this person flow into you, now or in the next few days.
Take all the time you need to do this stage fully.
To complete this stage, now affirm this love and goodwill to the person the demands on whom you have just cancelled."
GUIDE, prompt the forgiver to say:
If it seems relevant (you can ask the forgiver if it is), ask the forgiver to add:
GUIDE: "Are you ready for the next step?"
FORGIVER, say or write, firmly, with intent:
Are you ready for the next step?
If you decide you want to learn more about or increase your skill with the Goodwill Patterns, and ground your forgiveness still further, go to the next section - Step Fourteen - The Goodwill Patterns
Repeating them aloud and or writing them will you to train yourself in them and also, it often helps the you understand which of the Goodwill Patterns is specifically needed more by you at this time in your life.
If you choose to omit revising the Goodwill Patterns, here is a short “reminder” version of them:
Purpose: You may want to 'ground' the forgiveness further, and re-mind yourself of the beneficial goodwill patterns.
This step also helps you to revise and remember them and bring them into your life and relationships. As you say/write these words to the one you have forgiven, are they true for you? Feel your reaction to them. If they are not true, can you make them so? Can you see which ones you need to develop more in yourself? If you are not yet sure what these Goodwill Patterns and Aramaic words are about or want to revise them go to The Goodwill Patterns the complete version.
FORGIVER, say or write (as if to the one being forgiven):
You do not have to change (or to have been different in the past)
(i) for me to practice calm poise and inner peace,
(ii) for me to serve the cause of peace,
(iii) for me to decide to remain calm and peaceful even when being harassed. (=Rukha)
You do not have to change (or have been different) for me to recognize, accept, and develop the good in myself.
You do not have to change for me to look for, and recognize the good in you, - and to tell it to others. (that is, to give attention and energy to it, and draw it forth).
You do not have to change for me to imagine the best that you and I, and our relationship, could yet become. (=Khooba)
You do not have to change for me to understand my own needs and to act harmlessly to get them met.
You do not have to change for me to seek to understand your needs the way they are from your position in life and with your life history.
You do not have to change for me to be willing to meet your needs, or help you meet your needs, if it practical for me to do so. (=Makikh)
You do not have to change for me to be glad and joyful when I find and remove any blocks to love ("errors") I have in my own mind. (=Abilii)
(Such errors (being "off-target") could be: criticism, blaming, hating of yourself or others, false guilt or fear, resentment, excessive grieving, depressing yourself, envy, holding expectations, not giving responsibility, withholding love, un-forgivingness, closing yourself off, looking for and recounting the bad, not being fair-to-all, illness or death wishes, or any of the items on the list of occasions for self-forgiveness (you can always revisit the list of negative beliefs and behaviors derived when you did "Getting you Forgiveness Agenda" )
You do not have to change for me to work towards what is Fairest for All in any situation, more than merely what is just in law, or for revenge. (=Kenoota)
You do not have to change for me to step back and see the Big Picture, (= to see a person's life as a whole, to lift up to a wiser and more inclusive perspective, to try to understand the different viewpoints of everyone else, and the interconnectedness of everything and everyone). (=Holistic vision, vision without faults in the mind, or Dadcean Libhoun)
You do not have to change for me to practice Unconditional Love and Goodwill in both thought and action." (=Rakhma)
These are the Goodwill Patterns, mind-sets which will lead to Right Human Relationships WHENEVER & WHEREVER THEY ARE PRACTICED. They are described in detail in the section on the Goodwill Patterns.
Step 14 helps you to recognize which mindsets and skills you need to develop more, and which ones you are already good at.
If you can, and you feel it to be right for you to do so, you may now be able to feel gratitude to this person as someone who has helped you (directly or indirectly) to learn more about the nature of love. They have thus helped your development as a human being. This realization can be the gift of many forgiveness processes, perhaps, if not immediately, it may come to you at some later time.
Are you ready for the next step?
Purpose: Creating future behaviors in thought and action now that love is able to flow
GUIDE: "Now move into the future, into some real life situation (at home or at work, say).
Start to make "movies" in your mind's eye of how you will now behave in the next few days or weeks.
See yourself in certain specific situations, say at home, or work, or wherever, acting with love, wisdom, and inner strength. You no longer have the old negative beliefs and feeling reactions.
See how your eyes look.... how you move differently.... how you speak and choose your words differently, and how you write differently...
You see the symbol your Higher Self gave you (if there was one) is within you, and you are now radiating its quality around you, and thus you are improving the "atmosphere" around you. People are now responding to you differently.
In this way you are creating and rehearsing the "future you" with love, wisdom and strength increasingly able to flow through you, independently of other people. It all belongs to you.
You may be surprised how you can now receive good ideas from your Higher Self, plus the qualities you need to put them into action.
OPTIONAL (if you want to consider the following in more detail):
See yourself applying certain of the Goodwill Patterns to your relationships in the coming days or weeks - here are some ideas to consider, according to the time you have available:
What are each person's basic needs in the situation? How could they be met harmlessly?
What would be Fairest for All in this situation? (More than justice or revenge)
What is the good or potential good in this situation? In yourself? In the other person(s)? How can this be given attention selectively? Are you honoring the potential for healing here?
Are there any errors in your mind that need to be corrected joyfully?
Are you taking the time to create peace within before coming to a decision or course of action?
Are you taking the widest possible view, including all the interconnectedness of people and nature - seeing things whole?
Ideas will come. If you act on them with discrimination, the flow of such ideas will increase. This is one aspect of genuine intuition.
Are you ready to go on to the next step?
Guide and forgiver, Check the body, feelings, and thoughts.
Muscle Response Testing (MRT) can be done again here - can THE FORGIVER imagine the person and say "I love...x..." or, "I can have goodwill towards ....x.... now" without loss of power? Incomplete strengthening suggests the forgiveness is only partial. More work may be needed.
GUIDE, if test is not fully strong: "Is there something else? Are you still holding on to some demand or expectation that the other person be different than the way they are? Are you still taking responsibility for something they did or are doing?" If so, repeat the process again, for each action still held against the other.
At first, the mind cannot always accept to do a blanket total forgiveness, and each incident can then best be processed separately. However, the process tends, like any skill, to improve with repetition and practice, especially if sound attention to detail is given to it. The channels open wider each time. The Goodwill Patterns become more "in place", and it becomes second nature to clear the day's incidents in this way, rather than feel bad and recount the bad news in the old way, to ourselves or others.
Forgiver, continue to send love out, especially for the most difficult relationships, - without conditions and expectations.
The power of this cannot be over-estimated. It may be the greatest service anyone can render.
ALWAYS EXAMINE YOUR WILLINGNESS TO BE FREE. If you do not get the release, ask: Is something else blocking the process? The answer will come, because at some level you know all your history. Process the new material. Throughout, and especially when completed, feel deep gratitude that you can feel love, and continue to send it out to the forgiven one. Gratitude is very powerful in restoring our life energy.
FORGIVER SAY OR WRITE: "I WILL TO KEEP THIS CHANGE IN ME INTACT".
GUIDE: Ask the forgiver to consider now their answer to the question: "What has been the learning in this for me?"
FORGIVER SPEAKS AND/OR WRITES:
GUIDE: Help the forgiver to extract the maximum spiritual learning and skill from this whole experience by having them reflect for a time upon the most important teachings they have found in doing this process. This helps to transfer the skills to the long term memory.
You now will be seeking to maintain the loving attitudes, the flow of unconditional love through you, and the corresponding energy patterns towards the person you have just forgiven in your daily life. You may ask - "What are the possible outcomes?"
Some people find that doing a complete forgiveness process is a very deep and permanent change which can erase the pain of painful memories so that they do not ever recur or control them subconsciously.
Others find that a situation may happen which seems to start off the old reactive patterns they had, but they notice immediately what is happening, and they can quickly restore the centered, loving attitude and energy pattern, and take effective action.
Of course, knowing the
forgiveness process does not necessarily mean that Life will never offer your
any more problems and challenges to resolve! If you are in an ongoing
relationship with someone who continues to offend you, you may have to take
remedial action, strongly and firmly.
Go over your notes from beginning to end and contemplate what that would mean to you. I only know of one person who did that deliberately, and that person remained ill and became even more ill with chronic illness as time went on. YOU may have to ask yourself - What would be the consequences of returning to resentments and bitterness - in one year, in five, in twenty-five years...? What sort of person do YOU want to be at those times in the future - a loving person or a bitter person, a well person or an ill person? The choice is YOURS, always. Forgiveness is not compulsory, no one can make you do it. Only YOU can decide.
Very good results have been obtained in relationships where one party (or both) has used this process regularly over time. You will also get very quick about it, and not need the whole procedure as laid out here once you have understood and learned it well.
1. CHECK ALL THE DETAILS IN YOUR NOTES. YOU ALMOST CERTAINLY WILL NEED TO USE THE "SELF-FORGIVENESS" PROCESS AS WELL
2. REVIEW THE SECTION ON OVERCOMING OBSTACLES
Link here to go to Overcoming Obstacles to the Forgiveness Process
3. CHECK YOUR WILLINGNESS TO FORGIVE
Do forgiveness work often, before resentments mount up, and especially for those close to you, with whom you live and work. Indeed it will be for those whom you love most that you are most likely to need to use this Process. Let it become a good habit, and as ordinary as brushing your teeth or cleaning up the dishes. To free others from our demands and expectations is a service to them, to ourselves, and to our planetary life.
This is inner work. Never do it "at" another person, with any desire to manipulate them. Nor in personal confrontation with them. Keep silent about it. Refrain from reciting the bad about any other person (gossip). Instead, start "good rumors".
This process can also be used to forgive inanimate objects, - noise, traffic, allergens etc. Believe it or not, I know of one person who ended an allergy to a certain kind of pollen by applying the forgiveness process to the tree which produced it. I know of others who ended their allergies as they discovered that they were "anchored" in their memories to times of great distress in their lives and forgave the people responsible. I know of one person who had previously had hypertension that was poorly controlled with medication, who managed to obtain a normal blood pressure after completing a whole forgiveness agenda. These are of course only anecdotes. But the field is open to experiment for us to discover how many situations can be healed in this way.
The forgiveness process can also be used to forgive one's image of "God", or "Life" when one is angry with them, to restore the flow of love in ourselves once more.
As you use this exercise in Right Human Relationships, your awareness of the different "levels" of consciousness (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual), will increase.
Psychosynthesis study, meditation, and practice in daily life will help you to understand and experience the different levels of Will, Love, and Energy of the subpersonality, personal self, and Higher Self levels of consciousness more fully.
Link here for an
article on the use of Alternative Imagery, Shortened Versions
and the "Traveling Forgiveness"
The forgiveness process
has been set out in considerable detail, so that each of the stages and
principles can be clearly understood. But there is nothing rigid about this
process, and you will find your own way of shortening it or making your own
adaptations when you are familiar with principles.
Here is a forgiveness exercise taken from the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. It consists of sitting quietly and centering yourself. Then you imagine you are holding the person you wish to forgive physically, in a kind of cage made by your two hands and your negative feelings.
As you continue to "hold" the person with your own resentment and negative feelings, gradually something changes. The muscles of your arms and hands may begin to hurt. You begin to realize that you are in some real way holding that person in their negative pattern. You are also hurting yourself. You also begin to realize that memory is not fixed, but how we choose to hold past information patterns.....
Usually, after a while, deep compassion begins to well up from the Well Spring of Compassion within you, and you begin to no longer want to hold that person or yourself in such a pattern of negativity. You begin to want to set yourself free, as you would want to set free an unhappy and imprisoned bird. To set yourself free, you realize you must set the other person free also.
In many ways, a jailer
is just as limited as the prisoners in his charge. As Compassion for both
yourself and the other person pours through, your hands begin to release the
other person from the cage. As you set the other free, you also free yourself.
Once you have understood the principles of the Forgiveness-of-others and Self-forgiveness processes, you will find your own ways of shortening them. One patient of mine, after doing many in full, found she was able to do forgiveness "on the wing" as it were, using the formula:
"Yes, I would prefer you did things my way, but you don't, and I LOVE YOU JUST THE SAME".
Here is a sample of a shortened self-forgiveness process I needed to do:-
"Dear Higher Self, I ask forgiveness for not having got this book perfectly right, and for believing that I was unworthy because of that and many other things."
" Dear Guy, it is true that you have not always done the wisest, most loving and courageous things, and there is room for improvement in your behavior as well as in the book, but I love you just the same."
A simple forgiveness of others could be along the lines of:
"Dear Reader, I would
prefer that you liked this book and approved of me, recognized me, loved me,
made wonderful changes in your life, and passed on to others the
worthwhile-ness of this work. But even if you don't, I will love you just the
Instead of the image of the Jig-Saw Puzzle in the Stage of Healing of Mental Nature, (beliefs systems), Barbro Ivarsson of Sweden, uses the following idea. Notice how she has chosen an image that could be particularly appealing to Scandinavians, with their deep love of trees, and to whom the seasons are very important. In STEP 11 instead of reading "the jig-saw puzzle on the tray, the tray tilts...etc.." as an image of the pattern of negative beliefs, she uses:
"Look at your own big mighty tree in front of you. It is late summer.....now it is autumn.... Al the leaves turn stiff, dry, and they fall off. They are still beautiful with all their colors, but now they are old and useless to you... Now the winter passes, and spring is in the air.
Look at the thousands of newborn leaves! Soon all the leaves are deep green, full of strength, liveliness and love. Keep the picture of your tree, with the leaves, symbolizing your new, very powerful thought patterns".
Later she uses an image of a blackboard being erased:
"Remember how it was, when you went to school. You sat in your seat, with names carved on the cover, and you heard the sounds of your schoolmates. Remember how the teacher wrote a lot on the blackboard and cleaned it all away again. Now it is time for you to clean away whatever you have written on your blackboard that you no longer need. Realize that as you imagine cleaning your board, you become free to move on from the experiences you have worked on in this process. They need no longer condition your thinking or behavior in the future. And you may even experience a joyful sense of deep relief. Write your new beliefs on your blackboard with big, beautiful letters and look at what you have written. These are your beliefs for your Life right now."
Obviously, the jig-saw puzzle image would be of little use to someone who had never experienced such a thing, and the image of a deciduous tree would not have much meaning to one who lived all their life in tropical evergreen rain forest. A "tree" image might not be meaningful to one who lived in the central Australian desert. A "school" image might not be suitable for one who had suffered abuse at school by teachers. The point is, feel free to adapt the process yourself, always remembering the cultural background of the forgiver.
As a guide you will very likely need to adapt and change the process to find the best language and metaphors to suit the situation and people with whom you work. Different age groups, ethnic and religious groups, and different languages all require you to adapt the language while using the principles to get the necessary results.
Especially the Self-Forgiveness Process
There are four
sub-personalities (the gang of four!) which if overdeveloped and unbalanced by
their opposites in a person's psyche can cause difficulty. These are:
Each is an expression of a time of an unmet need, usually in childhood - for love and approval, for security, for love and empowerment, for up-liftment and encouragement respectively. Sometimes, but less often, the Inner Distracter or Clown, and the Addict can also interfere.
The longer forgiveness processes as set out can usually take care of these obstacles, and help to heal them. You gradually climb above the limited perspectives of these subpersonalities, to the transpersonal level of your being. If you get stuck, go back to the values statement at the beginning, and you will access your higher will, enabling you to go on.
Approving of yourself for doing this work will start the flow of love and appreciation, as an antidote for excessive self-denigration. Realizing that you cannot grow without taking some risks will help to counteract the sabotaging inner voices.
Seeing how much you are suffering and recognizing that you don't want to go on doing that any more is important in setting aside the tendency to feel victimized or "poor me".
If you have difficulties that are not covered here, you may need to find someone who is skilled in guiding this process - but you will be surprised (a) how often you can solve the obstacle yourself with time and (b) how often people with little professional training can nevertheless guide this process once they have seen it done once or twice.
We need to become aware of and learn how to use all the 'levels' of our consciousness, - our personality. Our personality has many diverse parts: at one level the "subpersonalities" as they are called in psychosynthesis (these are like the players in an orchestra, or the actors in a play.
At the next level, there is our centre of conscious choice and will, the personal self. It is the agent of the Higher Self on earth (like the conductor of the orchestra or the director of the players).
Above all, we are to be in tune or contact with our Higher Self (which could be regarded as like the composer or author). It is the source within us of all the higher qualities, that are waiting to find expression in our everyday lives. The composer, conductor and players are partners , needing each other to express the music. The author, director and actors are partners , needing each other to create the drama.
The Higher Self and the parts of the personality are partners , and need each other to create our best life's work. The capacity to forgive, i.e. to cancel the conditions that are blocking the flow of love, now exists within you at this stage in the evolution of mankind, and it is one of the capacities we are to develop further.
When we love ourselves, others, and the Source of Life totally, independently of the behavior of others and outer circumstances, we fulfill a Natural Law known about and taught by the great sages and teachers of the past. We bring heaven to earth. We experience grace. Whenever we experience tension, stress/distress, dis-ease, unhappy relationships etc., it is a signal that we are not living in accordance with that law. It is a signal that we need to check our mind-processing, and practice forgiveness, to cancel whatever is causing the blocked love.
Just as it was necessary for man to master the laws of aerodynamics to extend beyond the limitations imposed by the laws of gravity, so it is necessary to master the laws of the mental and spiritual realms to extend beyond the limitations imposed by the laws of the physical and emotional realms.
It is essential to use the will to 'lift' to the mental and spiritual levels, rather than to continue to be "willed by" our reactions to our physical or emotional states, valid and to be honored as these may be. This is true 'strength' of will, and becomes 'good' will, or 'will-to-good'.
For more information about subpersonalities, look in Further Resources for books on psychosynthesis, especially
"What We May Be", by Pierro Ferrucci, "You're in Charge!" (A guide to becoming your own therapist) by Jeanette Rainwater, "Psychosynthesis" by Assagioli, "Psychosynthesis in Counseling" by Diana Whitmore,
If you find this forgiveness process useful, please consider expressing your gratitude by sending an anonymous donation or letter of gratitude to any person or organization that is working to create right human relationships.
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