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Creating Intimacy,
Creating Distance
Every person in a relationship
is responsible for co-creating whatever they experience in the relationship.
If you are in a relationship, review the two lists below and see what you are
creating more of: intimacy or distance. If you want to create
more intimacy, this list is a good guideline for how to do so behaviorally.
If you are unable or unwilling to do the things on this list consistently, you
may need help in learning how to do so.
FACTORS WHICH PROMOTE INTIMACY AND CLOSENESS BETWEEN PARTNERS:
-
regular,
consistent attention for one another and the relationship
-
respect for
one another and the relationship
-
regular
healthy verbal communication
-
regular
physical contact (frequency and type mutually agreed upon)
-
frequent
eye contact -passion, excitement and fun together
-
promotion
of physical and emotional safety at all times
-
spontaneous
surprises on occasion
-
regular
expression of caring & tenderness as defined by your partner
-
regular
expression of feelings
-
using
conflict resolution skills when conflict emerges
-
creating
regular time alone together, without distraction
-
anger and
resentments expressed and resolved
-
realistic
expectations which are regularly communicated
-
asking for
what you want
-
saying
and/or doing what is truthful and honest for you
-
being
honest and straightforward with your partner
-
acceptance
of your partner's personality and characteristics
-
promoting
your partner's growth as an individual
-
taking
responsibility for your relationship/life problems
-
understanding the impact of your family of origin on your relationship
-
taking the
time to listen to what your partner thinks and feels
-
living in
the present and envisioning a positive future together
-
emphasize
solutions and positivism
FACTORS WHICH PROMOTE DISTANCE BETWEEN PARTNERS:
-
lack of
attention to one another and the relationship
-
lack of
respect for one another and the relationship
-
lack of
healthy verbal communication
-
lack of
physical contact
-
lack of eye
contact
-
lack of
passion, excitement and fun together
-
verbal,
physical and/or emotional abuse
-
predictable, routine interactions
-
few
expressions of caring & tenderness
-
unexpressed
feelings
-
avoiding
conflict or avoiding resolution of conflict
-
avoiding
time alone together
-
presence of
unspoken or unresolved anger and resentment
-
unexpressed
or unrealistic expectations and assumptions
-
being
afraid to ask for what you want
-
saying
and/or doing only what you think your partner wants
-
lying,
deceiving, game playing, passive aggression
-
trying to
change your partner's basic character
-
stifling
your partners' growth as an individual
-
blaming
your partner for most or all of your relationship/life problems
-
ignoring
the impact of your family of origin on your relationship
-
assuming
your know what your partner thinks and feels
-
living in
the past
-
emphasize
problems and negativity
KEEPING
INTIMACY AND PASSION ALIVE
Intimacy can be evaluated in
many ways. These are nine questions that can give you a sense of whether your
relationship is in need of an intimacy tune up. Remember that there are no right
or wrong answers!
Nine Intimate Questions
(often, often enough, not enough, or rarely)
-
1. How
often do you show affection for each other?
-
2. How
often do you laugh at each other’s jokes?
-
3. How
often do you say something nice to each other?
-
4. How
often do you compliment your partner in front of others?
-
5. How
often do you make love?
-
6. How
often are you playful with each other?
-
7. How
often do you look each other in the eyes while talking?
-
8. How
often do you give each other a little surprise?
-
9. How
often do you say "please" or "I’m sorry"?
If you are disappointed
or dissatisfied with your answers or if you wish more of them were "often" or
"often enough", then consider this a sign that your relationship needs reviving.
Given that most of us
are working very hard and that a stressful life existence can be considered the
"norm", it is likely that our relationships are not getting the attention that
they deserve. Here are some pointers for you to consider without adding yet
another demand in your already busy world. These tips are intended to help you
cope and increase the intimacy and passion that are necessary for a healthy
relationship.
1.
It takes WORK.
No surprise but if you can remember that a relationship requires us to put
energy into it on a daily basis than you will be able to foster the growth of a
healthy and developing union.
2. You are a TEAM.
We are required to make many decisions in life regarding our careers as well as
our social and community involvements. Regardless of what decisions you make,
remember you are part of a relationship. The decision you make will affect the
relationship. Before you make a decision, ask yourself this question, “What will
the choice I am making do to the people I love?”. Try to make the decision that
will have the least negative impact on your relationship and your family.
3. Be PROTECTIVE.
If you do not protect your relationship who will? Separate your partnership and
your family from the rest of the world. It might mean refusing to work or worry
on certain days or nights. You might end up turning down relatives and friends
who want more time with you than you have to give - saving energy for your
relationship. It may mean even saying no to your children to make sure you have
time with your partner.
4. Good enough is as PERFECT as it gets.
The reality is that we all have to make sacrifices and compromises in life. You
may have to settle for a job rather than a career that demands too much time or
travel. You may have to settle for less income in order to have a job that
allows you the time and energy for a healthy family life. Most of all, you will
have to accept that there is not enough time at this point in your life to do
and be all that you might aspire to be.
5. Communicate.
Unless you constantly communicate, signaling to your partner where you are and
getting a recognizable message in return, you will lose each other along the
way. Create or protect communication-generating rituals. No matter how busy you
may be, make time for each other. For example, take a night off each week, go
for a walk together every few days, go out to breakfast if you can’t have dinner
alone, or just sit together for 15 minutes each evening simply talking, without
any other distractions.
6. Manage your ANGER.
Try to break the cycle in which hostile, cynical attitudes fuel unpleasant
emotions, leading to aggressive behavior that stress others and create more
tension. Don’t confuse assertion with aggression. Watch your non-verbal signals,
such as the tone of your voice, your hand and arm gestures, facial expressions
and body movements. Deal with one issue at a time.
7. Declare Devotion.
True long term relationships require repeated affirmations of commitment to each
other. Don’t forget that love is not only in what you say but also in how you
act. Do the dishes without being asked and of course, the age old custom of
bringing flowers to the one you love!
8. Give each other PERMISSION to CHANGE.
It is fascinating to note how much more couples know each other early in their
relationship than they do once they have been together for years. The reason?
People stop paying attention. If you aren’t learning something new about each
other every week or two, you simply aren’t observing closely enough. You are
focusing on other things, not one another.
9. Have FUN.
Human beings fall in love with the ones who make them laugh. They stay in love
with those who make them feel safe enough to come out to play. Keep delight as a
priority. Put your creative energy into making yourselves joyful and producing a
relationship that regularly feels like recess.
10. Be TRUSTWORTHY.
People trust the ones who validate them. Always act as if each of you has
thoughts, impressions, and preferences that make sense, even if your opinions or
needs differ. Realize your partner’s perceptions will always contain at least a
few truths, and validate those truths before adding your perspectives to the
discussions.
11. Forgive and FORGET.
Don’t be too hard on each other. If your passion and love are to survive, you
must learn how to forgive. You and your partner regularly need to wipe the slate
clean so that anger doesn’t build and resentment won’t fester. Holding on to
hurts and hostility is a way of blocking real intimacy. It will only assure that
no matter how hard you otherwise work at it, your relationship will not grow. Be
compassionate about the fact that neither of you intended to hurt the other as
you set out on this journey.
12. Cherish and APPLAUD.
The most fundamental ingredient in the intimacy formula is cherishing each
other. You need to celebrate each other’s presence. Be gracious. Acknowledge all
those small acts of kindness each other performs in the everyday tasks of life.
People are amazingly resilient if given at least a little reinforcement for
their efforts.
Remember that there are
no perfect relationships. Keep these points in mind and may they help you foster
the love, intimacy and passion that we all need and deserve - even if we are
stressed!
Adapted from Supercouple Syndrome: How Overworked Couples Can Beat Stress
Together. By Wayne and Mary Sotile.
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