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Thoughts On Relationships

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Thoughts on Relationships
By Vladimir Kuskoff

Expectations
How to Influence Those You Love
Be Careful of Attachments
How to be Totally Loving

 

With what kind of people do you most like to be with? Who makes you feel the best? In whose presence do you enjoy being the most?

If you carefully observe and analyze your attitudes and the feeling that you have in their presence, you would probably find something common and would come to some of the following conclusions:

  • In their presence you feel that you are totally accepted as you are. They give you the opportunity to be yourself. They do not put expectations on you. You can express yourself, your inner being in safety and assurance that all will be OK. Because you feel that they will not condemn you or get upset.
  • They genuinely interested in your wellbeing and challenge you to be the best and the greatest you can be and that lifts you up and inspires you.
  • In their presence you feel good about yourself and full of hope.
  • You do not feel manipulated, controlled or forced to do or be anything than what you want to be. You have complete freedom.

When we experience some of the above in our fellowship with this kind of a person we are often overwhelmed by a certain kind of indescribable feeling and we call it love. And in that moment there is something within us that wants to mirror this experience back to that person and others.

Observe the people that you believe are in love and you will see that the more above points they experience the more in love they appear. And if you want to have a similar experience then do what you can to make the other person feel good about themselves and most likely they will do the same for you. They will mirror back the same kind of pleasure you give them. Try it, begin with a smile especially to those that know you and will not think you have become crazy.

Expectations

How do you respond to those who put expectations on you? And why do we expect when we suffer from our expectations so much? Have you noticed?

We learn in our childhood that it is better to fulfill the expectations of those around us and as parents we enforce our expectations on our children. Often it is done automatically without thinking and if we do we reason, that we know what is best for them and besides our expectations help us to keep the house running easier.

When children know what is expected of them, like what time to go to bed and if they do not live up to our expectations then they know that there will be unpleasant consequences. So, we get used to living up to other people's expectations and learn how to enforce our own on others. And before we know it and without realizing we become slaves to our own and other people's expectations.

Those who live under our expectations; do they enjoy being prisoners to them? Do we need to live under the expectations that we live under? Have we matured enough to leave our childish behavior?

Let us take responsibility for our own responses. Others may never give up their unreasonable expectations of us unless we clearly let them know that we have matured enough to live the way we see it best no matter how upset they get.

How to Influence Those You Love

To whose influence are you most open? Who can tell you just about anything and you gladly listen to them? Are they not the same people in whose presence you enjoy being?

Does the person that you want to influence seeks your presence or avoids it? If he avoids you then most likely he/she will avoid your influence as well. If he is communicating to you to leave him alone, then the best thing you can do for him and yourself is to assure them, if possible, of your love and concern for them and then give them full freedom.

You can influence them only when they seek you out for your input into their life. I am not talking about infants here but even with them, they accept your guidance when they want you.

Develop into the kind of a person that they will enjoy being with. Be just the listener if that is all they would like you to be, for now, and do not give them you opinion or advice unless they ask you for it or you could carefully ask them for permission to share with them what is on your heart or mind.

If they do not want to hear it, then they would not pay attention to your wisdom anyway, especially if you try to force it on them. Do everything possible not to awaken their resistance to what your say or to your presence.

Would you not feel the same if someone infringes on your freedom of being and doing what you like? Unless, of course, you have asked them to disciple you, then you would be on their side working against the resistance within you.

You are wasting your time advising them, unless the person trusts you and believes that you desire them good and sees that you have something of value to add to his own wisdom. Unless they desire your help, do not offer it to them, it’s counterproductive.

There are no exceptions. If you think you know of some examples then look again and you would probably see that it is just an appearance. There is more to it than what it is on the surface.

Person values nothing more than his freedom. To survive, he may temporally go along with some limitation on his freedom but only for a time, until he can attain as much freedom as he possibly can. Do you not do the same? Then what makes you think that in this aspect the other person is different?

In relationships, the most beautiful satisfaction, joy and love are experienced when there is full freedom, without any fear and addiction.

To achieve such relationships, one needs to trust Life and work on himself, so as to be able to give to others what he wants for himself and not be demanding. We are mirroring to one another our inner states. Smile and most will smile back to you.

Love is freedom! If you love someone; and he wants to leave you – let him go; and if he comes back to you later and you want him back then enjoy him, but only for the period of time that he would enjoy being with you and you with him.

Wouldn’t you like to have such a freedom also? So, then give it to others and it will be given to you. That is the Law of Life.

Be Careful of Attachments

Most of us have the inclination to very easily become addicted or attached to that which gives us pleasure, be it people or something else. There is a tendency within us to repeat the good experiences and at times we are prepared to do everything possible to repeat the enjoyable experience in the future.

The consequences are bad enough when the addiction is to some substance and we can see it clearly in others but somehow we fail to realize that when our addiction is to a particular person, we are more foolish than the drug addict. Because a person has a free will and could decide at any time, not to give you the repeat of that pleasure. Not only, because, for some reason he can’t, but it could be for no reason that we could comprehend.

With people, just as with substances, we should never let ourselves be addicted or attached. Addiction is an indication that we have not discovered our self-sufficiency within ourselves. We see ourselves as a person needing to be pitied or taken care of, which leads us to expect or even demand that others do what they can to help us to enjoy life.

It is much easier to be on the giving end but make sure that you do everything possible that the receiver does not become addicted to you. For when he realizes that he cannot be without you, he will want you but also resent you as the drug addict his drugs. He will both dislike himself for being needy and detest you for being his need.

As you can see from my reasoning, why all major religions and philosophical thoughts have this in common: Do for others what you want them to do for you.

Another way to look at this is:

Each one of us claims a certain amount of space for himself, protects it and does not let anyone unauthorized to go over its borders. For instance, you let your loved ones come closer to you than you let a stranger.

Do not cross someone’s border if you where not given that privilege, even if he crosses yours. Be gentle and nice but do not let him into your space much more than he lets you into his. Do not let anyone trample you under their feet. Unless you really think that it would do most good for all.

When you value his and your freedom equally he will have to choose to value your freedom if he is to enjoy your fellowship. Of course, if you have nothing of value for him then there is nothing you can do.

Besides the above principles in relationships, do not let familiarity come between you and your partner or a spouse. Have the attitude that they owe you nothing. Give them your full attention when you are with them.

When your partner comes home after being away for some time, make sure that, if at all possible, you meet her/him at the door with a loving gesture, what ever way it is appropriate in your culture.

Treat them as the most important event in your present life. Could there be something more important in your life? Really? Does not a loving relationship make life worthwhile? Ask any one in love and they’ll tell you that it is so. But why does that love disappear? It disappears because the above principles are not applied.

Following is my compilation of thoughts taken from the book "Friendship with God" by Neale Donald Walsch

How to be Totally Loving

"The first step in being fully loving is that you must fully love your Self. And this you cannot do so long as you believe that you were born in sin, and are basically evil.

If you believe that humans are by nature non-trustworthy and evil, you will create a society that supports that view, then enact laws, approve rules, adopt regulations, and impose restraints that are justified by it.

If you believe that humans are by nature trustworthy and good, you will create an entirely different kind of society, in which laws, rules, regulations, and restraints are rarely required. The first society will be freedom limiting, the second, freedom giving.

God is fully loving because God is fully free. To be fully free is to be fully joyful, because full freedom creates the space for every joyful experience. Freedom is the basic nature of God. It is also the basic nature of the human soul. The degree to which you are not fully free is the degree to which you are not fully joyful and that is the degree to which you are not fully loving.

To be totally loving means to be fully free.

We should allow everyone to be able to do anything they want.

That is how God loves. God allows everyone to do anything they want.

It is normal in your society to punish. It is abnormal in your society to simply allow a consequence to assert itself to reveal itself.

Punishments are your announcement that you are too impatient to await a natural outcome. Punishments are someone else's decision that one has done wrong.

Consequences are one's own experience that something does not work. That is, it did not produce an intended result.

In other words, we do not learn quickly from punishments, because we see them as something that someone else is doing to us. We learn more readily from consequences, because we see them as something that we are doing to ourselves.

The biggest punishment that you have devised is the withholding of your love. You have shown your offspring that if they behave in a certain way, you will withhold your love. It is by the granting and the withholding of your love that you have sought to regulate and modify, to control and to create, your children's behaviors.

This is something that God would never do.

True love never withdraws itself. And that is what loving fully means.

I am love. One does not have to practice what one is, one simply is it.

I am the love that knows no condition, nor limitation of any kind.

I am totally loving, and to be totally loving means to be willing to give every mature sentient being total freedom to be, do, and have that which they wish.

Even if you know it will be bad for them?

It is not for you to decide that for them.

Not even for our children?

If they are mature sentient beings, no. If they are grown children, no. And if they are not yet mature, the fastest way to lead them to their own maturity is to allow them the freedom to make as many choices as possible as early as practical.

This is what love does. Love lets go. That which you call need, and which you often confuse with love, does the opposite. Need holds on. This is the way you can tell the difference between love and need. Love lets go, need holds on.

So to be totally loving, I let go?

Among other things, yes. Let go of expectation, let go of requirements and rules and regulations that you would impose on your loved ones. For they are not loved if they are restricted. Not totally.

Nor are you; You do not love yourself totally when you restrict yourself, when you grant yourself less than total freedom, in any matter.

Yet remember that choices are not restrictions. So do not call the choices you have made restrictions. And lovingly provide for your offspring, and all your loved ones, all the information that you feel you may have, to help them make good choices - "good" being defined here as those choices most likely to produce a particular desired result, as well as what you know to be their largest desired result: a happy life.

Share what you know about that. Offer what you have come to understand. Yet do not seek to impose your ideas, your rules, your choices upon another And do not withhold your love should another make choices you would not make. Indeed, if you believe their choices to have been poor ones, that is precisely the time to show your love.

That is compassion, and there is no higher expression.

What else does it mean to be totally loving?

It means to be fully present, in every single moment. To be fully aware. To be fully open, honest, transparent. It means to be fully willing, to express the love that is in your heart full out. To be fully loving means to be fully naked, without hidden agenda or hidden motive, without hidden anything.

And You say that it is possible for human beings, for regular people like me, to achieve such love? This is something of which we are all capable?

It is more than that of which you are capable. It is that which you are. This is the nature of Who You Are. The most difficult thing that you do is to deny that. And you are doing this difficult thing every day. It is why your life feels so difficult. Yet when you do the easy thing, when you decide to come from, to be, Who You Really Are - which is pure love, unlimited and unconditioned-then your life becomes easy again. All the turmoil disappears, all the struggle goes away.

This peace may be achieved in any given moment. The way to it may be found by asking a simple question:

What would love do now?

This is a marvelous question, because you will always know the answer. It is like magic. It is cleansing, like a soap. It takes the worry out of being close. It washes away all doubt, all fear. It bathes the mind with the wisdom of the soul.

What a good way of putting that.

It is true. When you ask this question, you will know instantly what to do. In any circumstance, under any condition, you will know. You will be given the answer. You are the answer, and asking the question brings forth that part of you.

Do not second-guess this answer when it instantly comes to you. When you second-guess is when you fool yourself - and can make a fool of yourself. Go into the heart of love, and come from that place in all your choices and decisions, and you will find peace."

Vladimir Kuskoff's Home Page


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Last updated: 08/15/08

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